As you may have been able to discern from the title, this is going to be less of an uplifting entry as compared with the others and before I get into it, I wanted to just step back and let you in on an exciting change you may have noticed. My partner, Rae, now goes by Rey. This is something I just began writing as I was updating the blog recently and I realized I never pointed it out or explained. In addition to going by "Rey" and "Reymond" in his personal life now, he has also petitioned for his name to be officially changed with the city so he can get a drivers license that matches his identity and as soon as that goes through (any day now), he'll be able to officially change it. Woo Hoo! So look to read more about Rey soon and know that I haven't broken up with the love of my life and begun dating someone of a very similar sounding name who also is trans and wants to preserve his fertility before starting T...it's the same old Rey! lol
With that said, here's your next edition of the Transgender Baby Steps Blog!
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For people living in poverty and for people in the middle class alike, preserving fertility may seem like an unrealistic goal. After all, having a baby is expensive enough on its own - undergoing medications, examinations, treatments, and surgical procedures just simply to save up the little guys for later can cost anywhere from $9,000-13,000 and that just might seem excessive and fiscally irresponsible.
But after you start digging around for the information (and with the help of some knowledgeable health care professionals), you can find options for doing what needs to be done at a cost that is anywhere from nearly affordable to absolutely FREE.
Here are some ways we found that would provide a person with alternative financing options for this type of procedure. There are probably more so make sure you look into it!:
-Insurance Coverage - OK, this didn't work for us but it does work for some so check with your provider to see. However, one word of warning (passed along to you from someone in the biz) is that they only need to know what they need to know. This means that you should not offer up any information unless they ask you - you don't want to be disqualified because their company belief is that it isn't "essential" for you to do this because you're queer, trans, single, etc. Just tell them what they need to know.
-Other Clinic-Provided Discounts - Our fertility clinic was able to give discounts to people working for larger companies and organizations in the area who, although they had insurance, would not receive any coverage for the procedures.
-Research Studies - Participating in research studies may make you eligible for discounted or free medication and other procedures. Find out from your fertility clinic what programs they know of that are happening in your area.
-Compassionate Care Program - The pharmaceutical company making the medication most individuals take during this procedure (Gonal-F) gives the medication for FREE to those who meet their financial need criteria - Saving you around $9000 if you qualify.
-Donating your eggs to the clinic in a separate cycle - This may not be something you're comfortable with - the idea of your brethren being born to and raised by someone else entirely and potentially never getting to meet them (at this time, most legit egg donation clinics require donors be completely anonymous) However, if you think you can do it mentally and physically (there are also health-related criteria you must meet for donating), you will see sweet rewards up to $8,000-10,000 in the United States. Also, keep in mind that some clinics will not allow you to donate of you're only doing it to offset the cost of your own procedure as they don't want the reason for your donation to be wrapped up in the rewards themselves.
Of course, if you read the last entry, you know what happened when we tried to get insurance coverage. We also tried to get in on the research studies but there were none going on that we would have been eligible for at the time. So we set out to take advantage of the Compassionate Care program.
Rey filed all the necessary paperwork and sent along his proof of income. He received a call back within days - much faster than either of us had imagined. After asking questions to verify that he was the one who had turned in the paperwork, the woman on the other end of the phone asked if he would be the one carrying the child. In response to the question, he said, "I need to disclose to you the situation of why I am pursuing fertility treatments just to be clear so you are not confused. I am technically in a same sex relationship with a woman, but I am going to be transitioning to male. I identify actually as a transgender individual. My partner and I – we’ve been together five years and are engaged – are freezing my eggs because once I begin using testosterone as hormone replacement therapy, my ovaries will no longer be able to reproduce. So I will not be the one carrying the child, my partner will later carry the child through invitro."
The woman paused for a long time and finally said, “This program is not for you.”
At this point there was no further explanation of why, only silence on the line. Rey eventually said, “Ok…?” The woman finally explained that it is not their practice to provide free medication for someone who is going to be freezing their eggs for future use. The program is only for couples with infertility issues trying conceive now, UNLESS a woman has cancer or some other catastrophic medical event in which it would be considered medically necessary to preserve her fertility. While we of course knew that this procedure was medically necessary for us, we realized now that we had to prove it.
In the meantime, we had already been considering donating eggs as a way to compensate for the cost of our own procedure. After getting this news, we were more sure that this might be our last remaining option. At this point, we'd been knee-deep in the process for more than six months but without some way to help pay for the procedure, we weren't sure we'd be able to do it. I was nervous that we'd become attached to the idea that would never come to fruition.
We had already been on our fertility clinic's website for egg donation and Rey met all of the criteria. That, along with the fact that they had been amazingly supportive, understanding, and incredibly trans and queer-friendly all made us feel pretty confident that this would be as simple as just letting them know we were interested in donating. Here's the criteria they list:
Are you between the ages of 21 and 32 years of age?
Are you in good health and a nonsmoker?
Do you have regular menstrual cycles?
Do you have both ovaries and do you have no reproductive problems?
Do you have no current history of a sexually transmitted disease such as chlamydia or GC?
Do you have no history of HIV or hepatitis?
Are you psychologically healthy?
Do you have no current use of drugs or excessive alcohol consumption?
Do you have no family history of inherited genetic disorders or conditions?
Does your work or school schedule allow you to make it to daily doctor’ s appointments?
Are you willing to take hormone injections?
Do you have a car, a valid driver’s license, or reliable transportation?
If you have children, do you have a babysitter for when you have doctor’s appointments?
Do you have a normal height-to-weight ratio? Is your body mass index (BMI<27). You can visit www.nhlbisupport.com/bmi/ to see if your BMI is less than 27.
Are you dependable, mature, and able to keep appointments?
The website also clarified that donors get paid immediately after having donated, regardless of how quickly their eggs are used by other individuals. So, excited and nervous, Rey picked up the phone and dialed their number. I sat right next to him for support. He was immediately put on the line with the director of egg donation, herself. The following are nearly perfect quotes from the conversation:
Rey: "Hello. My name is Rey Drew. I'm actually working with Main Line already. I'm preserving my fertility before I transition from female to male and I am interested in donating my own eggs to offset the cost of my procedure."
Egg Donation Director: "Um, so you're having a sex change operation?"
Rey: "Well, not exactly <Welcome to 2012 in America, lady>. I will be going on testosterone to produce secondary sex characteristics and before doing that and potentially destroying my ability to reproduce, we decided to go through this procedure to preserve my fertility. I'm thinking of donating in a separate cycle".
Egg Donation Director: "<LONG PAUSE> Oh. Well, that's a very unique situation and everyone wants something more ...normal. I would have to tell people about this and ...well, no one is going to want your eggs."
Swear.To.God.
That was essentially the entire conversation which was then followed up by our collective cussing and yelling and crying that went on for a good, long while as we realized we'd been discriminated against by the same clinic that had made us feel so loved. I felt so angry that our trusted health professionals who seemed to know so much about appropriate trans and queer vocabulary and etiquette really hadn't been schooled on the more complex array of transphobic issues they were apparently perpetuating.
This used up the very last of Rey's motivation. He had no desire to call and speak with her supervisor, much less start an effort to fight back! I, on the other hand, felt internally obligated to fight back! When I see the line clearly drawn between right and wrong, I just can't help myself!
I called Main Line the next day during my lunch hour at work. A gentle, truly caring nurse we'd recently spoken with answered the phone and I relayed to her what had occurred the day before with the director of egg donations. I also told her we'd been denied the Compassionate Care coverage because of their philosophy that starting testosterone is a choice and not medically necessary. She seemed genuinely apologetic and said she would pass the message on to our doctor. She said she was certain that we'd hear back something from him soon.
It was a week and a half and three phone calls to him later when I finally heard back from Dr. Glassner one morning at 7am as I was getting ready to go to work. He didn't seem like the same charming, gracious soul we met on our first visit. He said hello and quickly jumped into the mini-investigation he had launched after receiving the message the kind nurse jotted down. He had spoken with the director of egg donations and she had confirmed that what we claimed was truth but she stood by her statement that "no one would want (Rey's) eggs". This, apparently, was very important to them even though they always pay their donors immediately after donating, regardless of whether they'd be purchased.
I waited for him to let me know he had reprimanded her or that she'd even been fired for practicing against their open, welcoming, diverse philosophy of practice. But he didn't say those things. He stood by her decision, saying she was the expert in that particular field. I argued with him that this was discrimination and if Rey met the criteria posted online, then he should be able to donate. And, I protested further that by keeping trans and/or queer people from donating eggs, they were preventing trans and queer people from having the option to use eggs from people similar to themselves.
I was livid! How was it possible that we fell for this? How was it that we had been treated like gold by all of our friends and all of our family members throughout Rey's coming out about being trans AND throughout this fertility process, and these people - who didn't even truly know us - were judging us based on their assumptions and on society's real fear and hatred of trans people. What if Rey had disclosed he was a Muslim? Or what if Rey disclosed he had had a car accident in which he acquired a brain injury or quadriplegia? Then what? Would anyone want his eggs then?
Dr. Glassner became a bit more empathetic after I shared this viewpoint with him. He then apologized that i was feeling the way i was (which of course really doesn't mean he's sorry at all) and closed out our conversation with a deal. Yes, a deal. He was going to give us $4,000 off our procedure since we were not able to donate. $4,000, remember, is maybe half of what we would have gotten if we had donated. I told him I had to think about it and talk it over with Rey since this was not what we had hoped he would say. This was generous, yes, but it was a response to a heinously discriminatory experience we'd had by one of his staff...and that was going to cost us around $4,000-6,000 in the end...close to the exact amount we needed to completely pay for our procedure.
Showing posts with label Compassionate Care. Show all posts
Showing posts with label Compassionate Care. Show all posts
Sunday, October 21, 2012
Monday, April 16, 2012
It's History!
I was 24 and in graduate school in 2005 when I realized that I liked women. What an amazing time of self-discovery - I remember being euphoric at the thought of finally being able to explore this part of myself that had been hiding just under the surface for so many years. Of course, there was also fear and sadness wrapped up with all the excitement. The fear revolved around the coming out conversations I would be having with my coworkers, friends, and especially with my family. And I was sad about leaving the comfort of straightness where one doesn't have to worry about harassment or discrimination or even just looks of contempt that I was preparing myself for in the small Missouri town that I had called home. But an even greater (and more surprising) sadness came from the thought that I would never be able to carry my partner's child. This upset me so greatly that I began to weigh it as a reason to stay in the closet. I remember talking to my girlfriend at the time about this and she was clearly not concerned, "You can always adopt or go to a sperm bank" she would say convincingly. But for me, this was a life experience that I did not want to pass me by. It took me a good few years or more before I was able to handle the thought of not being able to get pregnant after a night of making love to my partner.
I moved to Philadelphia in 2006 for my first professional position in my field. What a change from the rural Missouri LGBT community I had become a part of! I felt overwhelmed with the countless establishments, events, activities, and resources for people like me in the city. About six months later, one of these new resources, Craigslist (ha!), provided the ability for my partner, Rae, and I to come together. That was more than five years ago, I'm proud to say.
Learning Each Other
Sure, it sounds clich̩, but I knew I loved Rae when I met her. In terms of appearances, she was a young, strong, handsome, pierced butch woman Рthe kind of woman I was definitely in search of. I was drawn immediately to her silly sense of humor, happy-go-lucky attitude, and outgoing personality. She boasted of wild teenage years and surprisingly supportive parents. She impressed me with her drive to make a living of her art, regardless of the societal stigma associated. I admired her for all of these reasons and felt inexplicably connected to her from a layer deep within myself.
Over time though, I noticed that it didn’t take much to get under Rae’s skin. This bright and talented creature had a temper that could ignite a flame. As a result, we had difficulty solving the simplest of discrepancies as a new couple. It always seemed to come back to her indecision of whether to go with the fight or flight response, rather than just to cool down and work it out. Not only were we dealing with the challenging anger issues, but there were also frequent, unexpected bouts of depression that would last days, sometimes weeks, on end. While I admit there were definitely still good days for us, I found that I was most often taking up a second job, apart from the one that I got paid for: being Rae’s personal cheerleader. I wanted nothing more than for Rae to just be happy and return to the driven, independent, and gregarious person I fell in love with not all that long before. I continued in that self-designated role, managing to motivate my fragile partner back onto her feet occasionally and keep our relationship (that I so cherished) afloat.
It was early in the spring of 2009 that, as a reviewer of a local LGBTQ film festival, Rae brought home a multitude of movies for us to watch. A few of them specifically focused on transgender children. I remember watching these films, thinking of all of the connections between the kids and my loving partner sitting by my side. I wondered silently whether Rae had ever thought of changing genders but I dared not ask since I did not know what I would say. From those films though, it was clear that something changed. We discussed gender endlessly for months. Sometimes gender was literally the only topic of conversation for an entire evening. All the while though, Rae’s gender was still this enigmatic thing. She didn’t seem to know quite how to define it until that December when she patiently explained that she didn’t want to be a woman anymore and that she’d rather identify as a Transman. As his partner, I was shocked and yet I wasn’t. This had clearly been on its way for months and so to some extent, I was ready for the news.
As we each began tackling all of the emotions that accompany this kind of realization, we were brought closer together than ever before. I felt as if I was starting to really see my partner for who he'd been all along. He began to appear more at ease with himself and more productive in his work. For a while, there was a regular sense that it was two steps forward, one step back as the tumult of sadness, anger, frustration, and restless anxiety for what was to come would creep up and steal the show for one or both of us. However, the farther we progressed together on our journey, the more we learned about what we each really wanted out of life and what we were willing to do to get it.
Identifying as a Parent-in-Waiting
Since I was a little girl, I can remember thinking I would eventually have children. I think there were a handful of years when I was in college when I might have denied ever having had those thoughts (!), but other than that, I have always wanted to be a mom. When my former college professor and good friend, Debbie, had her first child in 2005, I was overcome with an intense love for this little being who wasn't even related to me. I wanted to take care of her all the time and I cherished the moments we had together when Debbie wasn't around because the responsibility for making sure she was well taken care of and happy was so insanely gratifying.
Since probably the night I met Rae, he knew I had plans of becoming a mom. His response for the first couple of years was "That's not for me". And for the time, that was ok as I had no idea if we were going to make it that far anyway and I knew that I was going to be waiting for at least five years before I was ready - so we had time to either work it out or move on. Over the years, he would meet my friend Debbie's (then) two children and other friends of both of ours began having kids as well. After we'd been talking about his gender identity for a while - maybe six months - it slowly started to creep into our conversations that he might one day want kids too. This shocked me! I couldn't really believe it so anytime it was brought up, I made him elaborate on what parts of being a parent he thought he would like or dislike the most, etc. But I knew I couldn't dwell on it for too long since I didn't want him to change his mind! It was some time later when he told me that he'd had the realization that he had never been able to see himself as a mom but that seeing himself as a dad made a lot of sense to him. He was finally able to visualize a family of his own.
With that, came many more exciting and painful conversations about my personal queer invisibility in a marriage that looks quite "normal" and straight. We spent a lot of time on the traditional vs. the more non-traditional roles of a husband and wife, children, and of the family. We understood that we were really designing the structure of something more permanent - something that we wouldn't fully see the shape of for some time. However, we hadn't made any real commitments and although I knew Rae's truth, few other people did and so we had a lot of work to do before we could even think about having children!
Hormone Replacement Therapy
Until this point, Rae had been adamant against the thought of going on 'T' (Testosterone) as a way to align his gender identity with his outward appearance to the world. I think he thought that by having top surgery (essentially a double mastectomy), his flat chest and his masculine facial features would speak for themselves and he wouldn't need to take the hormones in order to pass as male. In 2011, he began binding on a regular basis and we came out to just about everyone we knew about his transition. However, through the course of coming out, he earned the acceptance and respect of nearly every coworker, friend, and family member known to both of us, as he carefully explained his story and patiently guided everyone through the process of using the pronouns that didn't use to refer to him. As he was doing this, he was met with such love and understanding from those closest to him and yet people who didn't know him at all would use incorrect pronouns and make him feel as though he was still the misunderstood, sad, and lost girl he had been for so long.
After much deliberation, weighing all of the pros and cons so carefully, he decided to go on T after all. This was not a shock to me, so it wasn't hard dealing with the information, but since it is impossible to truly know how your partner will look, think, and behave after going on the powerful hormones, it was a bit nerve racking just thinking about the innumerable possibilities. However, a part of me was really excited for the changes and for the world to see the man I was starting to see and learn for myself.
Future Plans
In October, on a road trip through beautiful North Carolina, Rae asked me to marry him and of course, after putting my heart and soul into our relationship for nearly five years, but especially the last two and a half, I couldn't say no! We had worked hard to carve out a place for ourselves in the world and I wasn't about to go anywhere anytime soon!
Around this same time, one of our friends who is an FTM (Female-to-Male) transsexual asked Rae if he'd ever thought of freezing his eggs before beginning T so that he could one day have the ability to have a child. This particular friend had unfortunately not had the opportunity to do so and was now a bit regretful that there's no way to go back and do it now. Testosterone essentially destroys your eggs while you're on it and while some of the other changes go back to the way they were before if/when you stop taking T (menstruation returns, body fat redistribution, etc), fertility is one area that most often never returns to full functionality. Rae and I hadn't really talked about this yet but the idea intrigued us. I think too that the more we talked about it, the more excited we got at the thought. Rae didn't want to carry the child so we'd be freezing his eggs so that one day I could be the one carrying them. I would be carrying my partner's child...! Was this really happening?! There was a time there when I wasn't able to think about the possibility of this because it seemed so far out there! After all, we hadn't even had a consultation yet so we had no idea about the real likelihood of all of this working out for us.
And this is where our fertility journey began. Rae's new found identity has helped him to achieve a sense of self he must have been subconsciously searching for all along...becoming a dad!
I moved to Philadelphia in 2006 for my first professional position in my field. What a change from the rural Missouri LGBT community I had become a part of! I felt overwhelmed with the countless establishments, events, activities, and resources for people like me in the city. About six months later, one of these new resources, Craigslist (ha!), provided the ability for my partner, Rae, and I to come together. That was more than five years ago, I'm proud to say.
Learning Each Other
Sure, it sounds clich̩, but I knew I loved Rae when I met her. In terms of appearances, she was a young, strong, handsome, pierced butch woman Рthe kind of woman I was definitely in search of. I was drawn immediately to her silly sense of humor, happy-go-lucky attitude, and outgoing personality. She boasted of wild teenage years and surprisingly supportive parents. She impressed me with her drive to make a living of her art, regardless of the societal stigma associated. I admired her for all of these reasons and felt inexplicably connected to her from a layer deep within myself.
Over time though, I noticed that it didn’t take much to get under Rae’s skin. This bright and talented creature had a temper that could ignite a flame. As a result, we had difficulty solving the simplest of discrepancies as a new couple. It always seemed to come back to her indecision of whether to go with the fight or flight response, rather than just to cool down and work it out. Not only were we dealing with the challenging anger issues, but there were also frequent, unexpected bouts of depression that would last days, sometimes weeks, on end. While I admit there were definitely still good days for us, I found that I was most often taking up a second job, apart from the one that I got paid for: being Rae’s personal cheerleader. I wanted nothing more than for Rae to just be happy and return to the driven, independent, and gregarious person I fell in love with not all that long before. I continued in that self-designated role, managing to motivate my fragile partner back onto her feet occasionally and keep our relationship (that I so cherished) afloat.
It was early in the spring of 2009 that, as a reviewer of a local LGBTQ film festival, Rae brought home a multitude of movies for us to watch. A few of them specifically focused on transgender children. I remember watching these films, thinking of all of the connections between the kids and my loving partner sitting by my side. I wondered silently whether Rae had ever thought of changing genders but I dared not ask since I did not know what I would say. From those films though, it was clear that something changed. We discussed gender endlessly for months. Sometimes gender was literally the only topic of conversation for an entire evening. All the while though, Rae’s gender was still this enigmatic thing. She didn’t seem to know quite how to define it until that December when she patiently explained that she didn’t want to be a woman anymore and that she’d rather identify as a Transman. As his partner, I was shocked and yet I wasn’t. This had clearly been on its way for months and so to some extent, I was ready for the news.
As we each began tackling all of the emotions that accompany this kind of realization, we were brought closer together than ever before. I felt as if I was starting to really see my partner for who he'd been all along. He began to appear more at ease with himself and more productive in his work. For a while, there was a regular sense that it was two steps forward, one step back as the tumult of sadness, anger, frustration, and restless anxiety for what was to come would creep up and steal the show for one or both of us. However, the farther we progressed together on our journey, the more we learned about what we each really wanted out of life and what we were willing to do to get it.
Identifying as a Parent-in-Waiting
Since I was a little girl, I can remember thinking I would eventually have children. I think there were a handful of years when I was in college when I might have denied ever having had those thoughts (!), but other than that, I have always wanted to be a mom. When my former college professor and good friend, Debbie, had her first child in 2005, I was overcome with an intense love for this little being who wasn't even related to me. I wanted to take care of her all the time and I cherished the moments we had together when Debbie wasn't around because the responsibility for making sure she was well taken care of and happy was so insanely gratifying.
Since probably the night I met Rae, he knew I had plans of becoming a mom. His response for the first couple of years was "That's not for me". And for the time, that was ok as I had no idea if we were going to make it that far anyway and I knew that I was going to be waiting for at least five years before I was ready - so we had time to either work it out or move on. Over the years, he would meet my friend Debbie's (then) two children and other friends of both of ours began having kids as well. After we'd been talking about his gender identity for a while - maybe six months - it slowly started to creep into our conversations that he might one day want kids too. This shocked me! I couldn't really believe it so anytime it was brought up, I made him elaborate on what parts of being a parent he thought he would like or dislike the most, etc. But I knew I couldn't dwell on it for too long since I didn't want him to change his mind! It was some time later when he told me that he'd had the realization that he had never been able to see himself as a mom but that seeing himself as a dad made a lot of sense to him. He was finally able to visualize a family of his own.
With that, came many more exciting and painful conversations about my personal queer invisibility in a marriage that looks quite "normal" and straight. We spent a lot of time on the traditional vs. the more non-traditional roles of a husband and wife, children, and of the family. We understood that we were really designing the structure of something more permanent - something that we wouldn't fully see the shape of for some time. However, we hadn't made any real commitments and although I knew Rae's truth, few other people did and so we had a lot of work to do before we could even think about having children!
Hormone Replacement Therapy
Until this point, Rae had been adamant against the thought of going on 'T' (Testosterone) as a way to align his gender identity with his outward appearance to the world. I think he thought that by having top surgery (essentially a double mastectomy), his flat chest and his masculine facial features would speak for themselves and he wouldn't need to take the hormones in order to pass as male. In 2011, he began binding on a regular basis and we came out to just about everyone we knew about his transition. However, through the course of coming out, he earned the acceptance and respect of nearly every coworker, friend, and family member known to both of us, as he carefully explained his story and patiently guided everyone through the process of using the pronouns that didn't use to refer to him. As he was doing this, he was met with such love and understanding from those closest to him and yet people who didn't know him at all would use incorrect pronouns and make him feel as though he was still the misunderstood, sad, and lost girl he had been for so long.
After much deliberation, weighing all of the pros and cons so carefully, he decided to go on T after all. This was not a shock to me, so it wasn't hard dealing with the information, but since it is impossible to truly know how your partner will look, think, and behave after going on the powerful hormones, it was a bit nerve racking just thinking about the innumerable possibilities. However, a part of me was really excited for the changes and for the world to see the man I was starting to see and learn for myself.
Future Plans
In October, on a road trip through beautiful North Carolina, Rae asked me to marry him and of course, after putting my heart and soul into our relationship for nearly five years, but especially the last two and a half, I couldn't say no! We had worked hard to carve out a place for ourselves in the world and I wasn't about to go anywhere anytime soon!
Around this same time, one of our friends who is an FTM (Female-to-Male) transsexual asked Rae if he'd ever thought of freezing his eggs before beginning T so that he could one day have the ability to have a child. This particular friend had unfortunately not had the opportunity to do so and was now a bit regretful that there's no way to go back and do it now. Testosterone essentially destroys your eggs while you're on it and while some of the other changes go back to the way they were before if/when you stop taking T (menstruation returns, body fat redistribution, etc), fertility is one area that most often never returns to full functionality. Rae and I hadn't really talked about this yet but the idea intrigued us. I think too that the more we talked about it, the more excited we got at the thought. Rae didn't want to carry the child so we'd be freezing his eggs so that one day I could be the one carrying them. I would be carrying my partner's child...! Was this really happening?! There was a time there when I wasn't able to think about the possibility of this because it seemed so far out there! After all, we hadn't even had a consultation yet so we had no idea about the real likelihood of all of this working out for us.
And this is where our fertility journey began. Rae's new found identity has helped him to achieve a sense of self he must have been subconsciously searching for all along...becoming a dad!
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