It's History!

I was 24 and in graduate school in 2005 when I realized that I liked women. What an amazing time of self-discovery - I remember being euphoric at the thought of finally being able to explore this part of myself that had been hiding just under the surface for so many years. Of course, there was also fear and sadness wrapped up with all the excitement. The fear revolved around the coming out conversations I would be having with my coworkers, friends, and especially with my family. And I was sad about leaving the comfort of straightness where one doesn't have to worry about harassment or discrimination or even just looks of contempt that I was preparing myself for in the small Missouri town that I had called home. But an even greater (and more surprising) sadness came from the thought that I would never be able to carry my partner's child. This upset me so greatly that I began to weigh it as a reason to stay in the closet. I remember talking to my girlfriend at the time about this and she was clearly not concerned, "You can always adopt or go to a sperm bank" she would say convincingly. But for me, this was a life experience that I did not want to pass me by. It took me a good few years or more before I was able to handle the thought of not being able to get pregnant after a night of making love to my partner.

I moved to Philadelphia in 2006 for my first professional position in my field. What a change from the rural Missouri LGBT community I had become a part of! I felt overwhelmed with the countless establishments, events, activities, and resources for people like me in the city. About six months later, one of these new resources, Craigslist (ha!), provided the ability for my partner, Rae, and I to come together. That was more than five years ago, I'm proud to say.

Learning Each Other

Sure, it sounds cliché, but I knew I loved Rae when I met her. In terms of appearances, she was a young, strong, handsome, pierced butch woman – the kind of woman I was definitely in search of. I was drawn immediately to her silly sense of humor, happy-go-lucky attitude, and outgoing personality. She boasted of wild teenage years and surprisingly supportive parents. She impressed me with her drive to make a living of her art, regardless of the societal stigma associated. I admired her for all of these reasons and felt inexplicably connected to her from a layer deep within myself.

Over time though, I noticed that it didn’t take much to get under Rae’s skin. This bright and talented creature had a temper that could ignite a flame. As a result, we had difficulty solving the simplest of discrepancies as a new couple. It always seemed to come back to her indecision of whether to go with the fight or flight response, rather than just to cool down and work it out. Not only were we dealing with the challenging anger issues, but there were also frequent, unexpected bouts of depression that would last days, sometimes weeks, on end. While I admit there were definitely still good days for us, I found that I was most often taking up a second job, apart from the one that I got paid for: being Rae’s personal cheerleader. I wanted nothing more than for Rae to just be happy and return to the driven, independent, and gregarious person I fell in love with not all that long before. I continued in that self-designated role, managing to motivate my fragile partner back onto her feet occasionally and keep our relationship (that I so cherished) afloat.

It was early in the spring of 2009 that, as a reviewer of a local LGBTQ film festival, Rae brought home a multitude of movies for us to watch. A few of them specifically focused on transgender children. I remember watching these films, thinking of all of the connections between the kids and my loving partner sitting by my side. I wondered silently whether Rae had ever thought of changing genders but I dared not ask since I did not know what I would say. From those films though, it was clear that something changed. We discussed gender endlessly for months. Sometimes gender was literally the only topic of conversation for an entire evening. All the while though, Rae’s gender was still this enigmatic thing. She didn’t seem to know quite how to define it until that December when she patiently explained that she didn’t want to be a woman anymore and that she’d rather identify as a Transman. As his partner, I was shocked and yet I wasn’t. This had clearly been on its way for months and so to some extent, I was ready for the news.

As we each began tackling all of the emotions that accompany this kind of realization, we were brought closer together than ever before. I felt as if I was starting to really see my partner for who he'd been all along. He began to appear more at ease with himself and more productive in his work. For a while, there was a regular sense that it was two steps forward, one step back as the tumult of sadness, anger, frustration, and restless anxiety for what was to come would creep up and steal the show for one or both of us. However, the farther we progressed together on our journey, the more we learned about what we each really wanted out of life and what we were willing to do to get it.

Identifying as a Parent-in-Waiting

Since I was a little girl, I can remember thinking I would eventually have children. I think there were a handful of years when I was in college when I might have denied ever having had those thoughts (!), but other than that, I have always wanted to be a mom. When my former college professor and good friend, Debbie, had her first child in 2005, I was overcome with an intense love for this little being who wasn't even related to me. I wanted to take care of her all the time and I cherished the moments we had together when Debbie wasn't around because the responsibility for making sure she was well taken care of and happy was so insanely gratifying.

Since probably the night I met Rae, he knew I had plans of becoming a mom. His response for the first couple of years was "That's not for me". And for the time, that was ok as I had no idea if we were going to make it that far anyway and I knew that I was going to be waiting for at least five years before I was ready - so we had time to either work it out or move on. Over the years, he would meet my friend Debbie's (then) two children and other friends of both of ours began having kids as well. After we'd been talking about his gender identity for a while - maybe six months - it slowly started to creep into our conversations that he might one day want kids too. This shocked me! I couldn't really believe it so anytime it was brought up, I made him elaborate on what parts of being a parent he thought he would like or dislike the most, etc. But I knew I couldn't dwell on it for too long since I didn't want him to change his mind! It was some time later when he told me that he'd had the realization that he had never been able to see himself as a mom but that seeing himself as a dad made a lot of sense to him. He was finally able to visualize a family of his own.

With that, came many more exciting and painful conversations about my personal queer invisibility in a marriage that looks quite "normal" and straight. We spent a lot of time on the traditional vs. the more non-traditional roles of a husband and wife, children, and of the family. We understood that we were really designing the structure of something more permanent - something that we wouldn't fully see the shape of for some time. However, we hadn't made any real commitments and although I knew Rae's truth, few other people did and so we had a lot of work to do before we could even think about having children!

Hormone Replacement Therapy

Until this point, Rae had been adamant against the thought of going on 'T' (Testosterone) as a way to align his gender identity with his outward appearance to the world. I think he thought that by having top surgery (essentially a double mastectomy), his flat chest and his masculine facial features would speak for themselves and he wouldn't need to take the hormones in order to pass as male. In 2011, he began binding on a regular basis and we came out to just about everyone we knew about his transition. However, through the course of coming out, he earned the acceptance and respect of nearly every coworker, friend, and family member known to both of us, as he carefully explained his story and patiently guided everyone through the process of using the pronouns that didn't use to refer to him. As he was doing this, he was met with such love and understanding from those closest to him and yet people who didn't know him at all would use incorrect pronouns and make him feel as though he was still the misunderstood, sad, and lost girl he had been for so long.

After much deliberation, weighing all of the pros and cons so carefully, he decided to go on T after all. This was not a shock to me, so it wasn't hard dealing with the information, but since it is impossible to truly know how your partner will look, think, and behave after going on the powerful hormones, it was a bit nerve racking just thinking about the innumerable possibilities. However, a part of me was really excited for the changes and for the world to see the man I was starting to see and learn for myself.

Future Plans

In October, on a road trip through beautiful North Carolina, Rae asked me to marry him and of course, after putting my heart and soul into our relationship for nearly five years, but especially the last two and a half, I couldn't say no! We had worked hard to carve out a place for ourselves in the world and I wasn't about to go anywhere anytime soon!

Around this same time, one of our friends who is an FTM (Female-to-Male) transsexual asked Rae if he'd ever thought of freezing his eggs before beginning T so that he could one day have the ability to have a child. This particular friend had unfortunately not had the opportunity to do so and was now a bit regretful that there's no way to go back and do it now. Testosterone essentially destroys your eggs while you're on it and while some of the other changes go back to the way they were before if/when you stop taking T (menstruation returns, body fat redistribution, etc), fertility is one area that most often never returns to full functionality. Rae and I hadn't really talked about this yet but the idea intrigued us. I think too that the more we talked about it, the more excited we got at the thought. Rae didn't want to carry the child so we'd be freezing his eggs so that one day I could be the one carrying them. I would be carrying my partner's child...! Was this really happening?! There was a time there when I wasn't able to think about the possibility of this because it seemed so far out there! After all, we hadn't even had a consultation yet so we had no idea about the real likelihood of all of this working out for us.

And this is where our fertility journey began. Rae's new found identity has helped him to achieve a sense of self he must have been subconsciously searching for all along...becoming a dad!