Our Intake Experience - Part 1

Hello again, everyone! 

Before I get into this next entry, I just want to give a huge shout out to everyone who's following our journey! Part of the reason why I wanted to share our experiences with the world here was because of the lack of information available to trans/queer people on the topic of fertility. As proof of this, over the last month, this blog has had nearly 150 views and it has steadily risen to the top of the second page in a Google search for "transgender fertility". It feels as if we're climbing a mountain that very few people have climbed and charted! It's so exciting! 

When I last left off, I was just beginning to describe the relationship I have with Rae and how we got to where we are now. The background information seemed very important but I'm sure you're chomping at the bit, waiting patiently for what happens to your protagonists next. No more nail biting - I won't make you wait any longer! 

We started to do research in October 2011 on In Vitro Fertilization (IVF) and how we might be able to create a family.  We looked at YouTube videos explaining the science behind the procedure, and blogs written by mothers who'd used the procedure to get pregnant, and a whole slew of other sources - anything we could get our hands on! But not one video, blog, or website described our exact situation: One partner about to transition from female to male and go on Testosterone therapy but before doing so, has his eggs harvested so that his partner could carry his child later down the line. It was hard to imagine that this could even happen for us without having seen someone else with the same circumstances having already successfully accomplished our goal. But we pressed forward, thinking that scheduling an intake appointment at a few fertility clinics wouldn't be that costly and wouldn't lock us into anything (emotionally or financially) in case we couldn't do it for one reason or another. 

It was the middle of November when I took off work one day with the intention of staying home with Rae, making phone calls that had to be made in setting up intake appointments at various clinics. We were both so nervous to begin making the calls because of the way we imagined we'd be regarded by the administrative staff at each office. I was working on preparing myself for them telling us we they wouldn't work with us - end of story. . . preparing myself for them treating us unfairly. We were so nervous, we avoided it for as long as we possibly could! We lazed around all morning and then eventually headed out for a cup of coffee in the early afternoon. Before we knew it, the end of the workday was approaching and we still hadn't made any calls! 

As part of the research we'd done, we'd found three fertility clinics in the Philadelphia area that appeared (from their websites) to be open and welcoming to LGBTQ (Lesbian, Gay, Bisexual,Transgender, and Queer) clients. Standing in our kitchen with all of our questions written down in front of us, we might have done 'rock, paper, scissors' to see who had the incredibly stressful duty of making the first call. It wasn't long before Rae let out a deep breath and made the first call. As he spoke with the receptionist, clumsily stumbling over the details of his transition and our fertility hopes and dreams, I studied his facial expressions and tone to try to ascertain how this conversation was going from the other end of the line. He scheduled the appointment and as he hung up the phone, a slight smile crossed his face. One down! I made the second call and Rae made the third. Although the experience was definitely complicated and stressful, it seemed we had really made a bigger deal out of our situation than the clinics were making when we spoke with them! They seemed to have at least a general understanding of transpeople and fertility options - which was way more than we expected when starting out on this journey. Our appointment with MainLine Fertility Clinic offered the earliest intake appointment we were able to schedule and even at that, we would still have to wait for nearly a month for the appointment. In the meantime, we had plenty of paperwork to complete! 

On the day of our first appointment, we came to MainLine Fertility with a page full of our pre-prepared questions on the larger issues - details on the process itself, cost, time required, etc. Since this had been one of the clinics Rae had spoken with over the phone, he'd made the appointment in his name. Rae let the receptionist know we'd arrived. She asked for the insurance card which I presented. She looked a bit confused and said "I need Rae's insurance card". I wxplained to her that we weren't sure yet if we would be going through with the procedure yet so for now, I was the only one in the relationship that had insurance and since this procedure also involved my fertility, I figured they would be able to bill my insurance for the visit. She gave us a solid two or three minutes of huffing, eye rolling, and your run-of-the-mill bitching before saying it would take her a long while to make the change in they system that would allow her to take my insurance but that it could be done. By the time her episode had come to a conclusion, we were discussing whether we should take it as a sign that working with MainLine might not be what we had hoped. I remember looking at Rae and saying "We can go. It's ok. We'll find another place that will respect us". He patiently said, "Let's stay and see what happens". 

They soon took us back into an office where a doctor sat down and explained that she would be conducting the intake with us. We went over all the details of our registration paperwork and reiterated our situation. She didn't blink an eye with the information we gave her about Rae's transition. In fact, she used appropriate terminology and didn't once make us feel as if she or MainLine would be ill-equipped to work with us. Not only was she obviously knowledgeable of transgender and queer fertility-related issues, she listened carefully to our personal story and eased our concerns with a professional and empathetic bedside manner that is so rare today. 

After hearing our story, she said "We're going to want you both to have ultrasounds today". I was taken aback. I thought this was just an intake appointment! She explained that they do the ultrasound at the first meeting so they can know the likelihood of a successful experience with their office as early as possible. That made sense to me but Rae didn't have health insurance. Technically, my place of employment would allow me to put Rae on my plan if we registered as domestic partners with them, but if you're not a married heterosexual couple in the great state of Pennsylvania, a partner's insurance coverage is taxable and the amount of money we would owe for taxes on the insurance (along with the outrageous cost of the insurance itself) had always been far too great for us to justify getting it for Rae who rarely needed to visit a doctor.  

So until this moment, my plan had been to come to this intake appointment, get more information on the cost of the procedures, and then consult with the insurance company to find out if it would be worth it to get Rae on my plan. After thinking on this, I finally responded to her statement, "Well, we can go ahead with my ultrasound today and then if we decide to go through with the procedure, we can come back and get Rae's ultrasound done since he doesn't have insurance right now". She seemed satisfied with this and she escorted us to a second waiting room, where we anticipated the moment I would be led back to figure out if I would one day be a good candidate for carrying Rae's child.

It's History!

I was 24 and in graduate school in 2005 when I realized that I liked women. What an amazing time of self-discovery - I remember being euphoric at the thought of finally being able to explore this part of myself that had been hiding just under the surface for so many years. Of course, there was also fear and sadness wrapped up with all the excitement. The fear revolved around the coming out conversations I would be having with my coworkers, friends, and especially with my family. And I was sad about leaving the comfort of straightness where one doesn't have to worry about harassment or discrimination or even just looks of contempt that I was preparing myself for in the small Missouri town that I had called home. But an even greater (and more surprising) sadness came from the thought that I would never be able to carry my partner's child. This upset me so greatly that I began to weigh it as a reason to stay in the closet. I remember talking to my girlfriend at the time about this and she was clearly not concerned, "You can always adopt or go to a sperm bank" she would say convincingly. But for me, this was a life experience that I did not want to pass me by. It took me a good few years or more before I was able to handle the thought of not being able to get pregnant after a night of making love to my partner.

I moved to Philadelphia in 2006 for my first professional position in my field. What a change from the rural Missouri LGBT community I had become a part of! I felt overwhelmed with the countless establishments, events, activities, and resources for people like me in the city. About six months later, one of these new resources, Craigslist (ha!), provided the ability for my partner, Rae, and I to come together. That was more than five years ago, I'm proud to say.

Learning Each Other

Sure, it sounds cliché, but I knew I loved Rae when I met her. In terms of appearances, she was a young, strong, handsome, pierced butch woman – the kind of woman I was definitely in search of. I was drawn immediately to her silly sense of humor, happy-go-lucky attitude, and outgoing personality. She boasted of wild teenage years and surprisingly supportive parents. She impressed me with her drive to make a living of her art, regardless of the societal stigma associated. I admired her for all of these reasons and felt inexplicably connected to her from a layer deep within myself.

Over time though, I noticed that it didn’t take much to get under Rae’s skin. This bright and talented creature had a temper that could ignite a flame. As a result, we had difficulty solving the simplest of discrepancies as a new couple. It always seemed to come back to her indecision of whether to go with the fight or flight response, rather than just to cool down and work it out. Not only were we dealing with the challenging anger issues, but there were also frequent, unexpected bouts of depression that would last days, sometimes weeks, on end. While I admit there were definitely still good days for us, I found that I was most often taking up a second job, apart from the one that I got paid for: being Rae’s personal cheerleader. I wanted nothing more than for Rae to just be happy and return to the driven, independent, and gregarious person I fell in love with not all that long before. I continued in that self-designated role, managing to motivate my fragile partner back onto her feet occasionally and keep our relationship (that I so cherished) afloat.

It was early in the spring of 2009 that, as a reviewer of a local LGBTQ film festival, Rae brought home a multitude of movies for us to watch. A few of them specifically focused on transgender children. I remember watching these films, thinking of all of the connections between the kids and my loving partner sitting by my side. I wondered silently whether Rae had ever thought of changing genders but I dared not ask since I did not know what I would say. From those films though, it was clear that something changed. We discussed gender endlessly for months. Sometimes gender was literally the only topic of conversation for an entire evening. All the while though, Rae’s gender was still this enigmatic thing. She didn’t seem to know quite how to define it until that December when she patiently explained that she didn’t want to be a woman anymore and that she’d rather identify as a Transman. As his partner, I was shocked and yet I wasn’t. This had clearly been on its way for months and so to some extent, I was ready for the news.

As we each began tackling all of the emotions that accompany this kind of realization, we were brought closer together than ever before. I felt as if I was starting to really see my partner for who he'd been all along. He began to appear more at ease with himself and more productive in his work. For a while, there was a regular sense that it was two steps forward, one step back as the tumult of sadness, anger, frustration, and restless anxiety for what was to come would creep up and steal the show for one or both of us. However, the farther we progressed together on our journey, the more we learned about what we each really wanted out of life and what we were willing to do to get it.

Identifying as a Parent-in-Waiting

Since I was a little girl, I can remember thinking I would eventually have children. I think there were a handful of years when I was in college when I might have denied ever having had those thoughts (!), but other than that, I have always wanted to be a mom. When my former college professor and good friend, Debbie, had her first child in 2005, I was overcome with an intense love for this little being who wasn't even related to me. I wanted to take care of her all the time and I cherished the moments we had together when Debbie wasn't around because the responsibility for making sure she was well taken care of and happy was so insanely gratifying.

Since probably the night I met Rae, he knew I had plans of becoming a mom. His response for the first couple of years was "That's not for me". And for the time, that was ok as I had no idea if we were going to make it that far anyway and I knew that I was going to be waiting for at least five years before I was ready - so we had time to either work it out or move on. Over the years, he would meet my friend Debbie's (then) two children and other friends of both of ours began having kids as well. After we'd been talking about his gender identity for a while - maybe six months - it slowly started to creep into our conversations that he might one day want kids too. This shocked me! I couldn't really believe it so anytime it was brought up, I made him elaborate on what parts of being a parent he thought he would like or dislike the most, etc. But I knew I couldn't dwell on it for too long since I didn't want him to change his mind! It was some time later when he told me that he'd had the realization that he had never been able to see himself as a mom but that seeing himself as a dad made a lot of sense to him. He was finally able to visualize a family of his own.

With that, came many more exciting and painful conversations about my personal queer invisibility in a marriage that looks quite "normal" and straight. We spent a lot of time on the traditional vs. the more non-traditional roles of a husband and wife, children, and of the family. We understood that we were really designing the structure of something more permanent - something that we wouldn't fully see the shape of for some time. However, we hadn't made any real commitments and although I knew Rae's truth, few other people did and so we had a lot of work to do before we could even think about having children!

Hormone Replacement Therapy

Until this point, Rae had been adamant against the thought of going on 'T' (Testosterone) as a way to align his gender identity with his outward appearance to the world. I think he thought that by having top surgery (essentially a double mastectomy), his flat chest and his masculine facial features would speak for themselves and he wouldn't need to take the hormones in order to pass as male. In 2011, he began binding on a regular basis and we came out to just about everyone we knew about his transition. However, through the course of coming out, he earned the acceptance and respect of nearly every coworker, friend, and family member known to both of us, as he carefully explained his story and patiently guided everyone through the process of using the pronouns that didn't use to refer to him. As he was doing this, he was met with such love and understanding from those closest to him and yet people who didn't know him at all would use incorrect pronouns and make him feel as though he was still the misunderstood, sad, and lost girl he had been for so long.

After much deliberation, weighing all of the pros and cons so carefully, he decided to go on T after all. This was not a shock to me, so it wasn't hard dealing with the information, but since it is impossible to truly know how your partner will look, think, and behave after going on the powerful hormones, it was a bit nerve racking just thinking about the innumerable possibilities. However, a part of me was really excited for the changes and for the world to see the man I was starting to see and learn for myself.

Future Plans

In October, on a road trip through beautiful North Carolina, Rae asked me to marry him and of course, after putting my heart and soul into our relationship for nearly five years, but especially the last two and a half, I couldn't say no! We had worked hard to carve out a place for ourselves in the world and I wasn't about to go anywhere anytime soon!

Around this same time, one of our friends who is an FTM (Female-to-Male) transsexual asked Rae if he'd ever thought of freezing his eggs before beginning T so that he could one day have the ability to have a child. This particular friend had unfortunately not had the opportunity to do so and was now a bit regretful that there's no way to go back and do it now. Testosterone essentially destroys your eggs while you're on it and while some of the other changes go back to the way they were before if/when you stop taking T (menstruation returns, body fat redistribution, etc), fertility is one area that most often never returns to full functionality. Rae and I hadn't really talked about this yet but the idea intrigued us. I think too that the more we talked about it, the more excited we got at the thought. Rae didn't want to carry the child so we'd be freezing his eggs so that one day I could be the one carrying them. I would be carrying my partner's child...! Was this really happening?! There was a time there when I wasn't able to think about the possibility of this because it seemed so far out there! After all, we hadn't even had a consultation yet so we had no idea about the real likelihood of all of this working out for us.

And this is where our fertility journey began. Rae's new found identity has helped him to achieve a sense of self he must have been subconsciously searching for all along...becoming a dad!