Our Intake Experience - Part 1

Hello again, everyone! 

Before I get into this next entry, I just want to give a huge shout out to everyone who's following our journey! Part of the reason why I wanted to share our experiences with the world here was because of the lack of information available to trans/queer people on the topic of fertility. As proof of this, over the last month, this blog has had nearly 150 views and it has steadily risen to the top of the second page in a Google search for "transgender fertility". It feels as if we're climbing a mountain that very few people have climbed and charted! It's so exciting! 

When I last left off, I was just beginning to describe the relationship I have with Rae and how we got to where we are now. The background information seemed very important but I'm sure you're chomping at the bit, waiting patiently for what happens to your protagonists next. No more nail biting - I won't make you wait any longer! 

We started to do research in October 2011 on In Vitro Fertilization (IVF) and how we might be able to create a family.  We looked at YouTube videos explaining the science behind the procedure, and blogs written by mothers who'd used the procedure to get pregnant, and a whole slew of other sources - anything we could get our hands on! But not one video, blog, or website described our exact situation: One partner about to transition from female to male and go on Testosterone therapy but before doing so, has his eggs harvested so that his partner could carry his child later down the line. It was hard to imagine that this could even happen for us without having seen someone else with the same circumstances having already successfully accomplished our goal. But we pressed forward, thinking that scheduling an intake appointment at a few fertility clinics wouldn't be that costly and wouldn't lock us into anything (emotionally or financially) in case we couldn't do it for one reason or another. 

It was the middle of November when I took off work one day with the intention of staying home with Rae, making phone calls that had to be made in setting up intake appointments at various clinics. We were both so nervous to begin making the calls because of the way we imagined we'd be regarded by the administrative staff at each office. I was working on preparing myself for them telling us we they wouldn't work with us - end of story. . . preparing myself for them treating us unfairly. We were so nervous, we avoided it for as long as we possibly could! We lazed around all morning and then eventually headed out for a cup of coffee in the early afternoon. Before we knew it, the end of the workday was approaching and we still hadn't made any calls! 

As part of the research we'd done, we'd found three fertility clinics in the Philadelphia area that appeared (from their websites) to be open and welcoming to LGBTQ (Lesbian, Gay, Bisexual,Transgender, and Queer) clients. Standing in our kitchen with all of our questions written down in front of us, we might have done 'rock, paper, scissors' to see who had the incredibly stressful duty of making the first call. It wasn't long before Rae let out a deep breath and made the first call. As he spoke with the receptionist, clumsily stumbling over the details of his transition and our fertility hopes and dreams, I studied his facial expressions and tone to try to ascertain how this conversation was going from the other end of the line. He scheduled the appointment and as he hung up the phone, a slight smile crossed his face. One down! I made the second call and Rae made the third. Although the experience was definitely complicated and stressful, it seemed we had really made a bigger deal out of our situation than the clinics were making when we spoke with them! They seemed to have at least a general understanding of transpeople and fertility options - which was way more than we expected when starting out on this journey. Our appointment with MainLine Fertility Clinic offered the earliest intake appointment we were able to schedule and even at that, we would still have to wait for nearly a month for the appointment. In the meantime, we had plenty of paperwork to complete! 

On the day of our first appointment, we came to MainLine Fertility with a page full of our pre-prepared questions on the larger issues - details on the process itself, cost, time required, etc. Since this had been one of the clinics Rae had spoken with over the phone, he'd made the appointment in his name. Rae let the receptionist know we'd arrived. She asked for the insurance card which I presented. She looked a bit confused and said "I need Rae's insurance card". I wxplained to her that we weren't sure yet if we would be going through with the procedure yet so for now, I was the only one in the relationship that had insurance and since this procedure also involved my fertility, I figured they would be able to bill my insurance for the visit. She gave us a solid two or three minutes of huffing, eye rolling, and your run-of-the-mill bitching before saying it would take her a long while to make the change in they system that would allow her to take my insurance but that it could be done. By the time her episode had come to a conclusion, we were discussing whether we should take it as a sign that working with MainLine might not be what we had hoped. I remember looking at Rae and saying "We can go. It's ok. We'll find another place that will respect us". He patiently said, "Let's stay and see what happens". 

They soon took us back into an office where a doctor sat down and explained that she would be conducting the intake with us. We went over all the details of our registration paperwork and reiterated our situation. She didn't blink an eye with the information we gave her about Rae's transition. In fact, she used appropriate terminology and didn't once make us feel as if she or MainLine would be ill-equipped to work with us. Not only was she obviously knowledgeable of transgender and queer fertility-related issues, she listened carefully to our personal story and eased our concerns with a professional and empathetic bedside manner that is so rare today. 

After hearing our story, she said "We're going to want you both to have ultrasounds today". I was taken aback. I thought this was just an intake appointment! She explained that they do the ultrasound at the first meeting so they can know the likelihood of a successful experience with their office as early as possible. That made sense to me but Rae didn't have health insurance. Technically, my place of employment would allow me to put Rae on my plan if we registered as domestic partners with them, but if you're not a married heterosexual couple in the great state of Pennsylvania, a partner's insurance coverage is taxable and the amount of money we would owe for taxes on the insurance (along with the outrageous cost of the insurance itself) had always been far too great for us to justify getting it for Rae who rarely needed to visit a doctor.  

So until this moment, my plan had been to come to this intake appointment, get more information on the cost of the procedures, and then consult with the insurance company to find out if it would be worth it to get Rae on my plan. After thinking on this, I finally responded to her statement, "Well, we can go ahead with my ultrasound today and then if we decide to go through with the procedure, we can come back and get Rae's ultrasound done since he doesn't have insurance right now". She seemed satisfied with this and she escorted us to a second waiting room, where we anticipated the moment I would be led back to figure out if I would one day be a good candidate for carrying Rae's child.